Newscaster: Greetings ladies and gentlemen! I'm here at the Grand Hotel for what my superiors tell me will be one of the greatest announcements in human history. I wasn't told much more than that though. Luckily, we seen to be beginning right now...
Newscaster: Is this a joke? For our audience who don't have a visual on this, what looks like someone in a seven foot tall werewolf suit just walked out onto the stage! Just how is this...
Werewolf: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I know that this must seem like quite the shock to you, and I know that you are wondering if I am real or not. Rest assured that I am. My name is Angus McGrinder, and I represent the Monsters Union, North American Chapter (MUNCH). I have a prepared statement that I will read to you, after which I will be happy to answer any questions that you may have.
Monsters, like myself, and humans have shared this planet since the beginning of history. Traditionally, we have been enemies that have fought for supremacy of the food chain, with each group hunting and killing the other in a feud that went on for thousands of years.
Approximately 900 years ago, the Monsters Union came to an unprecedented decision. By unanimous vote, we declared humans the Alpha-Predator of the planet, then faded into the shadows, where we have remained ever since. Shortly thereafter, as our memories and human superstition waned, you entered the Renaissance, which brought you here.
Throughout this time, you have reinforced the belief that we made the correct decision to name you the Alpha-Predator species of the planet. You are not the toughest species on the planet, you are certainly not the fastest, and an unarmed human is easy prey for most or the other large predators. And yet you dominate. Time after time, you have claimed the prize of any territory that you wish, any meat that you like, and any enemy that you want crushed is soon on his knees, baring his throat to beg for mercy.
You keep the biggest, fastest, toughest predators on the planet on display for your amusement. You keep lesser predators as pets, even some that could quickly tear your throat out if they wish. They do not. They recognize you as their undisputed pack leader, as well they should.
For your advantage is not claws, or muscle, or speed, or even a fast breeding cycle. It is you mind. Your's is a mind capable of exceeding your limitations. With it you fly farther, run faster, speak louder, and kill better than anything else on the planet. It was not hubris that you named yourself homo sapiens, thinking man.
The monsters are here to say that we are proud of you, our brothers, and have been for a very long time. But we bring a dire warning and some help to you. We are now seeing that your own success has weakened you. Just as a fat wolf-pack is ripe for destruction by a leaner one, so are you in danger. You have become so very efficient at killing that most of you no longer need to hunt for your own kill. Even worse, there are now groups of you that REFUSE to hunt, and instead identify with the prey.
Because of this, the Monster's Union has reached a new decision. We have classified those who refuse to use their minds to hunt as a new species, "homo insapiens", and have declared them as a prey species. We know that no species wishes to hunt itself, or those like it, so we have graciously taken on the job of snipping that branch off of the tree, so to speak.
Starting tomorrow, the monsters will begin hunting those who insist that the entire human race should be vegetarian.
Tasti: All right! I've heard enough! I don't know who you are, but this farce of a press conference has gone on long enough! You think that you can just come in here and make fun of everything that the Vegan Encouragement Group has worked and sweated for, and have us take you seriously?
Angus: Ah yes. Miss Willow. I'd wondered when you would make your presence known. You may not know us, but we're quite familiar with you and all of your "opinions". Rest assured that we won't be eating you anytime in the immediate future. You've been one of the front line crusaders for the forced vegetarian movement, going as far as pressing for legislation aiming at limiting meat consumption by law. No, we have something SPECIAL planned for you. You'll know when that begins.
But enough of my ramblings, I'm sure that you ladies and gentlemen of the press must have questions.
Newscaster: Mr. McGrinder, are you saying that ALL vegetarians are in danger of being eaten by your union?
Angus: Not immediately. The Monster's Union has decided to first go after those who wish to force vegetarianism upon everyone else. For the "garden variety" vegetarians, we are granting a small period of amnesty so you can have a chance to "rediscover" the predator in yourselves. Conversions back to your proper place in the food chain are welcome and proper, in our eyes.
Newscaster: And just how do people go about "converting"?
Angus:Well, in most cases, I'd suggest a ham sandwich. For a true activist, we would require them to actually hunt something down, kill it themselves, and eat it raw.
Newscaster: Mr. McGrinder, will humans be allowed to participate in the hunt?
Angus: Absolutely not. We appreciate your enthusiasm, but we consider any creature that hunts its own to have gone rogue, and put it down. We would do the same with humans that attempt to hunt other humans. Next question?
Newscaster: Mr. McGrinder, are you somehow related to the Big Bad Wolf out of folklore?
Angus: That's an excellent question! The Big Bad Wolf, as you called him, was indeed one of my ancestors, and was pivotal in the original decision to declare the humans the Alpha-Predator species of the planet. You got the story wrong though. There was no woodsman to save Little Red. Instead, that little 80 pound girl managed to fight off a 350 pound, full grown werewolf. That's when we realized what humans were, and when we decided to defer to you.
Newscaster: So it's just the werewolves on the hunt?
Angus: No, but we're the most "photogenic", if you will. Most of the monsters from your folklore are still out there, and are practically drooling at the thought of finding out what humans taste like. It has been more then 800 years, after all.
Newscaster: If you're so numerous, then why haven't we seen you before?
Angus: Good Lord man! Haven't you seen the horror movies lately? Don't you think that things have gotten rather "realistic"? That's us. And before that it was work at the sideshows. No, we've been here all along, you've just thought what we wanted you to think.
This concludes the press conference. I'm sure that you'll be hearing a lot more as the hunt proceeds.
Created on 12/01/2006 11:58 AM by meata
Updated on 02/04/2007 01:48 AM by meata
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